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What Would You Do If You Knew?

Often reading the news these days, we are asked to make moral judgments on the story: when is forgiveness possible–is there a time limit on injustice; is truth a matter of perception; when are we required to act when watching/reading about cruelties? Reading The Dinner by Herman Koch, these questions are in your face.

This is one of those books that could sit on your self for a long time before you have the will to read it. One of the difficulties I found with getting into the book was the fact that the narrator is mentally unstable and we are listening to him talk to himself. Like most of the reviews on Goodreads, I can’t decide if I like the book. I do like the questions it raised.

It becomes a parenting book to me. How far would you go to defend your child? Psychotic parents, not withstanding, looking at the event on which the dinner hinges–a crime by Michel & Rick, Koch asks us whether we agree with the decisions of the parents.


The dilemma I was faced with was one every parent faces sooner or later: you want to defend your child, of course; you stand up for your child, but you mustn’t do it all too vehemently, and above all not too eloquently – you mustn’t drive anyone into a corner. The educators, the teachers, will let you have your say, but afterwards, they’ll take revenge on your child. You may come up with better arguments – it’s not too hard to come up with better arguments than the educators, the teachers – but in the end, your child to going to pay for it. Their frustration at being shown up is something they’ll take out on the student. (The Dinner by Herman Koch)

When we define ourselves as a moral person, is there a line that we will not cross? Without reading into the religious dogma, I think, the 10 commandments are, at least, a good place to start. And, I would hope that I would have the moral fortitude to expect anyone close to me to take responsibility for their actions and pay restitution as appropriate.

Other layers in this book deal with privilege classes, mental illness and sibling rivalry. The opportunity that a novel such as this gives us is the chance to think about and discuss our perspectives on society and whether we are the ones to initiate a change.

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More Tools For Improvement

As a coach, I have shelves full of self-help, personal development, and life-affirming inspirational books. They usually come from recommendations, curiosity, or the need to find an answer–or another answer. The Tools by Phil Stutz & Barry Michels came from all of those incentives. Brian Johnson of Optimize.me often extols the value of Stutz’s Tools, and I am often looking for an exercise that might help my clients.

This book provides simple and profound tools to inspire us to have a great day, every day. There was one tool that was really a knock on the side of the head reminding me that I probably have most of the answers already. I need to practice them.

The tool is called Jeopardy. The chapter on this tools starts with a persuasive argument:

This book puts a special power in your hands–the power to change your life. There’s only one thing you need to do–use the tools. As a reward for doing this, you’ll discover a better and newer version of yourself. Who doesn’t want that?

I certainly assumed my patients did. The tools I gave them worked as promised; they became more confident and creative, more expressive and courageous. The results were so good, I was completely shocked by what happened next: almost every patient stopped using them. I was stupefied. I’d shown my patients the path to a new life and, for no good reason, they’d stepped off it–even the most enthusiastic ones quit.

pg 181, The Tools, Phil Stutz & Barry Michels

Convicted. I have shelves full of similar books. They all promise a better life and all we need to do is use the information that is inside.

This is one of the few books, of its genre, that I am determined not to collect dust. To help me practice using their tools, I have installed a habit. When writing my daily plan in the morning, I add at least one of the tools to my to-do list (grateful flow and active love are easy ones to incorporate). Now, in order to complete my day, I need to check it off as done or I need to move it to the next day where I am reminded to do it. And, I don’t let two days go by when I have not practiced using the tool.

These small practices have brought some extra sunshine into my world. And I will have to see what other tools on my shelf that can fuel my growth.

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Re-invention

I work with people who want something different than they have: more money, better business, a life. In some cases, being unhappy in their current circumstances, they are looking to re-invent themselves. In M.G. Vassanji’s book, Nostalgia, the characters have a chance to do that not through hard work and dedication, but through money. If you have enough money, you can buy a new personality and a new life in the future that Vassanji has created.

I see this bringing up, at least, two moral questions: is it right that the rich can choose a different life and the poor are stuck with their lot; and what happens to the young/not re-invented who are not able to get jobs because the others don’t die or retire?

These are just two questions that are raised in this fascinating book about a possible near future where part of the world is barricaded behind a wall. Living in these times, the book does seem to be an extrapolation of a possible future give our current trajectory: nuclear accidents, a great income divide, separations of us vs them, engineered immortality.

These thoughts are woven through the novel that follows a doctor who patches re-invented clients whose past leaks through into their current life.

A very special childhood, very dear to me, and poignant, but it is fake–my fiction. There must be components of real memory in this narrative, themes that were preserved from my previous life, others that were invented exclusively for this one. My previous data of course was destroyed. There’s a thriving industry promising to connect people to their real origins. People end up unhappy with their current lives, and some even desire to go back to what they are told they were. But I loved the happy childhood of my memory. Recalling it was like reading a portion of some classic novel. From that idyllic foundation of my current GN life I have looked ahead, and achieved my successes in my own quiet way. I have served society.
Page 55, Nostalgia, M.G. Vassanji

This book has so many layers that a close reading or at least a book club discussion should be a requirement.

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Where Did I Leave It? Finding My Great Work

Michael Bungay Stanier has been in my inbox for years now. As an insecure coach, I am compelled to learn from the best. He is one of those. His napkin-sized book, Find Your Great Work, gives me an idea, which is its mission.

I am particularly partial to the maps 4 – 6: Choices. The book is a quick look at 12 exercises that help you find work that matters. After discovering your great work–work that lights you up, you have a better chance of feeling engaged, empowered & in the flow–all the buzz works for finding the meaning in your work. Map 4 takes you through the challenge of creating space, in your life, to do your great work. There is a whirlwind around all of us that pulls us in a dozen different directions. You need to “get clear on what you’re willing to give up and what you’re not by deciding what’s negotiable and what isn’t.” (pg 64)

The map has you define everything that is going on in your life as non-negotiable, feels non-negotiable–but maybe not, and negotiable. One key to this exercise is knowing that we have a choice for just about everything. We might not exercise it. Don’t like your boss? You have a choice whether you stay in your job or not. Staying might be non-negotiable, or it might feel like it is, and it isn’t. Running through these hard choices can help us understand why we are where we are, if we want to change, accepting what we can’t and changing what we can.

Once you have your list, you will need to consider:

  • “What has become clear? What are you seeing as more important than you realized? Less important?
  • Are you giving due time and space to the things you say are non-negotiable? Are they the first things you book in and hold as you allocate your time and energy?
  • What do the non-negotiable items bring you? And at what cost? What are you holding on to here?
  • If you had to move 3 items from ‘non-negotiable’ to ‘feels like non-negotiable’ what would they be? How does that free things up?
  • Knowing now what’s really important, what can you start to say No to?” (pg 68)

This is one of the exercises in the book which punches way above its weight class because

Even though we might find ourselves in situations we wouldn’t pick.

Even though we carry with us all the uncertainty and history of who we are and where we come from.

Things only get interesting when you take full responsibility for the choices you make.

Finding Your Great Work, Michael Bungay Stanier, page 16